Jewish Matchmaking from Eliezer to JDate (and beyond)
Sermon, November 2, 2007
Rabbi Bruce Kadden
In Fiddler on the Roof, Tevya, frustrated about the new world of
matchmaking that his daughters have introduced, asks, “Did Adam and Eve have a
matchmaker?” After pausing, he looks toward the heaven, smiles, and
acknowledges that they did.
Indeed, according to a midrash, since creating this world God has been
occupied by making matches, as this midrash recounts:
A Roman matron once asked R. Yosi ben Halafta:
"In how many days did God create the world?"
"In six," he answered.
"And since then," she asked, "what has God been doing?"
"Matching couples for marriage," responded R. Yosi.
"That's it!" she said dismissively.
"Even I can do that. I have many slaves, both male and female. In no time at
all, I can match them for marriage."
To which R. Yosi countered, "Though this may be an easy thing for you to do, for
God it is as difficult as splitting the Sea of Reeds."
She left and the next day lined up a thousand male and a thousand female slaves
and paired them off. The morning after, her estate resembled a battlefield. One
slave had his head bashed in, another had lost an eye, while a third hobbled
because of a broken leg. No one seemed to want his or her assigned mate.
Quickly, she summoned R. Yosi and acknowledged. "Your God is unique and your
Torah is true, pleasing and praiseworthy. You spoke wisely"(Bereshit Rabba,
68:4).
Making matches is not easy, as many of us know from personal experience, and
others know from the anguish of children or friends. It may, indeed, be as
difficult as splitting the Sea of Reeds.
The first account of matchmaking occurs in this week’s Torah portion. After
Sarah dies and Abraham attends to her burial, he immediately summons his
servant, Eliezer and makes him swear that he will not take a wife for Isaac from
among the local Canaanites. Instead, Abraham sends him to his homeland to find
a wife for Isaac.
But Eliezer is concerned that the woman he finds won’t want to leave her land
and come to Canaan and asks whether he might bring Isaac to her.
“Don’t you dare return my son there!” Abraham warns, and again displaying the
chutzpah he first demonstrated at Sodom and Gomorrah, assures Eliezer that God
will send a messenger before him so that he is able to find a wife for Isaac.
So Eliezer goes on his way, but when he arrives at the water-well by the
city, he prays that God will help him complete his task. Eliezer says that he
will ask to drink from the pitcher of a young woman. “May the one who replies,
‘Drink, and let me water your camels, too’ be the one You have designated for
Isaac.”
That is indeed what takes place when Rebecca the granddaughter of Nahor,
Abraham’s brother, comes to greet him at the well. She offers Eliezer water and
offers to water his camels; Eliezer then approaches her father, Bethuel, and
brother, Laban, and tells them the story. They agree to allow Rebecca to go and
the rest, as they say, is history.
How far we have come from those days. Matchmaking in the 21st
century is quite different than it was some 4000 years ago. To be sure, within
the Orthodox community, many use matchmakers, individuals who attempt to match
brides to grooms based upon a variety of criteria. But for most of the Jewish
community, singles are more or less on their own –apart from helpful and
not-so-helpful suggestions from family and friends—when it comes to dating and
marriage.
Of course, there is modern technology that has come to the rescue with cites
such as JDate. It is not uncommon these days when a rabbi asks how a couple met
to hear JDate. And although many people remain skeptical about such cites –I
admit that I was at first-- conversations with those who have used it, some of
whom have found the love of their life, have convinced me that it really should
be considered just another place to meet.
Indeed, it has some advantages over other dating venues because you can learn
a lot about others, at least about what they think of themselves, before
investing any time in getting to know them. Especially for those who lead busy
lives and may not want to hang out in bars or other dating venues, JDate has
proven to be invaluable.
In fact, at least one synagogue offers gift certificates for six-month
subscriptions to JDate to any unmarried temple member age 18 and up. So far
eight people have accepted the offer and, according to Rabbi Don Weber, the
offer was the opening for members of the congregation to discuss this issue with
their teenage and adult children. If anyone is interested in allowing us to
make such an offer to our members, please let me know.
And JDate is not the last cyber-word in Jewish on-line dating. Our daughter,
Alana, told me about Jretromatch.com. According to its website, JRetroMatch is
an online Jewish dating service where expert Jewish matchmakers assist Jewish
singles with finding love and meaningful relationships. Professional Jewish
matchmakers screen, select & send quality matches thereby maximizing the Jewish
dating experience for Jewish Singles around the USA.
How did we ever survive without such technology to help us find a spouse?
All kidding aside, anything that helps single Jews meet other Jews, fall in love
and marry, is worthy of our support. Many Jewish singles complain that they
have a hard time finding other Jewish singles to date, let alone to marry.
JDate alone cannot solve this challenge, but it is a welcome addition to the
world of Jewish dating in the 21st century.
When Eliezer returns to the land of Canaan with Rebecca, the text says that
she saw a man, she got off her camel and asked who the man coming toward them
was.
“He is my master,” Eliezer said.
After hearing the story from Eliezer, Isaac brings Rebecca “into the tent of
his mother Sarah; he took Rebecca and she became his wife and he loved her.”
Whether in biblical or modern times, the true test of any relationship is
love. Helping those who are single find their beshert, their destined
love, is a great mitzvah. May the story of Isaac and Rebecca be an inspiration
for all who seek love.
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