Jewish Ethics & Virtues: Good Manners
Sermon, July 28, 2006
Rabbi Bruce Kadden

There is a story in the Talmud about Rabbi Akiva following his teacher, Rabbi Joshua, into the outhouse and afterwards said that he learned three things about proper conduct in such a place from him.  Rabbi Ben Azzai was surprised.  “How dare you take such liberties with your master?” he said.  Akiva answered:  “This, too, is Torah, and I need to learn it.”  The text continues, saying that Rav Kahana once hid under his master’s bed to see how the master and his wife carried on at night.  When his master realize he was under there he said, “Kahana, is that you?  Leave—you are rude—have you no sense of decency?”  And Kahana responded, “This, too, is Torah, and I need to learn it.”

In the same vein, a Chasidic legend quotes Rabbi Leib ben Sarah as saying, “I visited my master, the Maggid of Mezritch, not to hear Torah from him, but to see how he ties his shoes.”

These stories demonstrate that Judaism, indeed, has something to say about every aspect of life.  We can learn important lessons from our teachers even about the most mundane activities.

The Hebrew term for good manners or common decency is derech eretz, literally the way of the land.  Derech eretz refers to basic, courteous behavior that we expect from every human being.  It includes local customs, politeness, and etiquette. 

The sources for Jewish teachings about derech eretz include rabbinic interpretations of the actions of biblical characters.  For example, the rabbis teach that Abraham set the example for hospitality to strangers by welcoming the three messengers and offering them a meal.  The rabbis also found examples for derech eretz from the lives of their fellow sages, some of which are collected in a minor tractate of the Talmud called Derech Eretz Rabbah, the Great Derech Eretz.  There is also a tractate called Derech Eretz Zuta, a shorter work, which offers a variety of ethical teachings.  And, of course, Chasidic stories are full of examples of derech eretz.

This evening, continuing our summer series of sermons on Jewish Ethics and Virtues based on Rabbi Joseph Telushkin’s book The Code of Jewish Ethics, I turn to looking at what Judaism says about derech eretz.

Jewish teachings related to derech eretz are not halachah, not part of the Jewish legal system.  But in many ways they teach us how to live our lives on a day to day basis.

For example, the rabbis believed it was particularly important to greet fellow human beings, whether we know them or not, and to do so in a cheerful manner.  The Talmud says that Rabbi Yochanon ben Zakkai, despite being a prominent scholar, always greeted others first, even non-Jews.  The rabbis, however, recognized that it would not be practical to always greet everyone in a large city, reflecting the reality that people are usually friendlier in a small town than in a big city.

Greeting someone cheerfully validates the importance of that person.  Rabbi Telushkin tells the story of a nurse who had helped care for the newborn great-grandchild of Rabbi Moshe Feinstein.  When the rabbi passed away, she called the family to offer her condolences saying, “I remember how the Rabbi smiled and wished me a good day.  I could see that in his eyes I was important.”

In the days of the Talmud, people would often pray individually by the road at the appropriate time of day.  Although it was normally not permissible to interrupt one’s prayers, the rabbis ruled that it was acceptable to do so to greet another or to respond to a greeting, rather than to offend him or her.

Treating others as human beings rather than as objects is behind Martin Buber’s concept of I and Thou.  We should strive, in all of our relationships, to treat others as a “Thou,” as a human being rather than as an “it,” a thing.  This includes clerks at the store, janitors of our buildings, or waiters and waitresses.  Although we often cannot help but treat these people as objects, after all they are here to serve us, by being particularly polite to them showing our appreciation for their service and, when we encounter the same people again and again getting to know them, we can transform our otherwise mundane encounters into relationships.

There is a story of a particularly esteemed rabbi, who when he traveled from town to town on the train in Europe, would dress quite simply.  On one such journey he was treated particularly rudely by a fellow passenger.  When the train arrived at its destination, the rabbi was greeted by a large crowd.  When the passenger realized he had insulted a prominent rabbi, he went up to him and asked his forgiveness.  The rabbi responded:  “You don’t have to forgive me; you have to forgive the peasant on the train.”  A similar story tells of two young rabbis who visited Ludmir and needed a place to stay.  A wealthy man was asked, but he refused; instead, one of the poorer residents offered the rabbis hospitality.  Many years later, after the rabbis had become quite prominent they returned to Ludmir.  This time the wealthy man gladly offered his house, but the rabbis refused.  “Nothing has changed in us…. What is new are just the horses and the carriage.  Take them for your guests, and we will stay with our old host.”

These stories reminds us that we should treat everyone kindly regardless of dress or status or means.  Indeed, in many of the Elijah stories, the prophet returns as a poor person to see how people will respond to him, which will determine whether the community is ready for the messiah to come.

Another important area of derech eretz in Judaism, and one that I particularly appreciate with my German-Jewish/Yekke background, is being on time.  It might be hard to believe with all the jokes about “Jewish standard time,” but Judaism teaches that being late for an appointment is tantamount to stealing the other person’s time.  Rabbi Telushkin cites the story of the Chazon Ish, a prominent rabbi, who was organizing a minyan for kaddish.  One of the men said that he would be glad to participate, though it would cause him to be late for an appointment.  The Chazon Ish immediately sent the man off, even though the group then lacked a minyan, saying, “One cannot pray on stolen time.”

One other significant aspect of derech eretz is called minhag hamakom, the custom of the community.  It might be summarized by the saying, “When in Rome do as the Romans do.”  Judaism insists that we take into consideration community standards and practice and respect local custom even though it might not be our own.  In some cultures, for example, it is perfectly acceptable to drop in on someone with a phone call, whereas in others such behavior would be considered rude.

The stereotype of the rude American tourist is based, at least in part, on American travelers who do not investigate the customs of a country they visit and learn what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior in foreign cultures.  I’ll never forget that when we were leaving Israel in 1991, when Micah was five years old, we rode on a shuttle from the airport terminal to the plane.  Micah was one of the first on the shuttle and took one of the few seats.  An older woman walked up to him, gently lifted him up, sat down and placed him on her lap.  Micah looked at us, unsure what to do.  We looked back, reassuring him that such behavior was perfectly acceptable there –in fact in many ways it was quintessentially Israeli—although it would not be proper elsewhere.

Minhag hamakom also applies to rituals of synagogue worship.  If it is the custom of a synagogue for everyone to rise for the Sh’ma, then one should rise with the congregation, even if it is not one’s normal practice.  If the congregation requires those who are honored with an aliyah to wear a tallit, then one should do so even if one normally does not wear a tallit.  Of course, minhag hamakom does not override halachah, Jewish law; rather it covers the many customs and traditions that enhance our worship and practice but are not specifically covered by halachah.

We live at a time and place where rudeness and disrespect is not only quite common, but to some a badge of honor.  Reality shows often encourage and exploit rude behavior.  We are so used to such behavior, that when someone acts particularly respectfully or decent we are often surprised.  It is a sad commentary on our society, but that does not mean that we have to accept it; rather by making the extra effort to behave with derech eretz, to insist that our children treat others with respect and behave properly even when others do not, we send the message that even these rather mundane matters are important to us as Jews and human beings.

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